Have you ever felt being far away from God? Like you’ve been sent into spiritual exile? Like you’ve been wandering around in the desert, without any direction?
If you’re in this situation, don’t lose hope. You can find your way back. Trust in the Lord. He will make all things new!
Read this personal testimony shared by Caloy Diño about his personal spiritual journey of calling, exile and restoration. First heard at Gospel Jam’s New Year session last January 8, 2012 at the Conspiracy Cafe.
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Good evening. It is a great blessing for me to be here. Thank you Direk Mark (Aranal) for the invitation to speak in Gospel Jam.
When Direk invited me to share a message, I did not hesitate to say yes. With this Gospel Jam session opening the new year, with the very apt theme “All Things New,” I told myself this is something I cannot miss.
This event is a confluence of three themes that are dear to my heart: music, the Gospel, and the theme of restoration. I come from a very musical family, my great-grand-father was a violinist, both my grandmother and my mom were piano teachers, my sister Pia was a child prodigy and is currently a professor of piano at the UP College of Music. My brother Dino is a worship leader of CCF. My eldest daughter is a member of the UP Vocal Ensemble. My older son sings in his high school choir. And I sing in the bathroom sometimes.
And I am a fruit of the pure gospel of the Kingdom of God and His promised salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. This is why I live, and this is what I live for, and this is what I am willing to die for.
It is because of the power of God that I stand before you renewed, restored, a man unworthy but made new by His grace and mercy and love.
I’d like you to meet my family. With me is my wife Niko, My 15 year old son Benj, my youngest son Aaron, and my only daughter, Kerene.
Judging by the picture, people often comment that we are an ideal family. You will not be able to tell from this picture that ten years ago, we were on the verge of falling apart.
Surprised by Joy
I will begin my story with this quote from C. S. Lewis in his book, “Surprised by Joy.” I became a Christian in 1991, under very unusual circumstances which is a story unto itself. What I’d like to share with you however is how God called me to be his servant in 1997.
One morning in December of that year, God surprised me with a supernatural sense of His joyful presence. I woke up with a feeling that arms invisible to the naked eye were wrapped around me, giving me a sweet, tingly sense of the presence of God. It was the most exciting, exhilarating sensation I’ve ever felt in my life. And it was just there the whole day. It never left me, not even by one second. It was a steady, strongly felt presence.
I felt a very unusual closeness to God. It was as if the curtain separating heaven and earth was left wide open and I could speak with God freely, openly, intimately. He was so near. His presence was so clear. It felt so natural to just talk with God. It was as if the whole day was one big prayer.
I got out of bed, took a shower, had breakfast. He was just there, embracing me. Left for the office, did some work, attended meetings. He was still there. I talked to him about everything that happened the whole day. He was just there listening, like a very good friend. Went home, had dinner, went to bed, and he was still there, with his soft, sweet embrace.
The next morning, God was still there. And the day after. And the next few days after that. It was such a beautiful, intimate communion with God. It lasted for two whole weeks.
Then, after fourteen days, it was gone. The embrace was no longer there. I panicked at first. I thought it was something permanent, that God would make his presence felt that way all the time. And I thought I did something to drive Him away. So I begged, I pleaded, I desperately cried out in prayer for Him to come back. But he never did.
As I reflected on it later, I realized that it was God’s way of preparing me for a life of ministry. Because just a few weeks after that, in 1998 I was suddenly thrust into church leadership. The pastor of the newly planted church we were attending then, committed adultery, and I along with three other members in the church had to take over pastoral responsibilities. I realized then, that had God not given me a supernatural, intimate experience with Him, I may have turned away from the faith. God knew I needed it, and it was that experience that gave me the courage to step into a leadership role in the church even if I was totally unprepared for it.
The Call to Service
It was God’s way of calling me into His service. And I plunged headlong into it with a passion.
I like this quotation from Os Guinness, in his book, The Call:
Calling is the truth that God calls us to himself so decisively that everything we are, everything we do, and everything we have is invested with a special devotion, dynamism, and direction lived out as a response to his summons and service.
During that time, I felt this strong zeal to serve God. I was doing so many things all at the same time, all the while having a regular day job. So I worked during the weekdays like everyone else, but on top of that I ran bible studies in the office, attended seminary classes after office, had some other bible studies on Saturdays, preached in church on Sundays, and still tried to find time for my wife and kids. I did this week, after week, after week. It was as if God gave supernatural energy to do all of these, given the unhealthy situation in our fledgling church.
Divided Heart
After a year of doing this however, I reached a point when the motives of my heart began to diverge. You see, without really admitting it to myself, my true motives for serving God was for Him to bless me. In my mind, I made a deal with God that I would serve Him full-on, with my 101% best effort, but He must fulfill His part of the bargain, to bless me in my career and make me successful and wealthy. I wanted to be rich. I was telling myself it was not bad to be rich, and I felt I deserved to be rewarded for the service I was giving Him.
Thing is, God was not meeting his end of the bargain. At that time, my career was going nowhere. So I prayed for a career change. This was now the year 1999, and the IT industry was booming with a lot of dotcom companies being put up, producing so many dotcom millionaires. I prayed to God and asked for a job in IT. And God granted it!
So by the year 2000 I became marketing director of a dotcom company preparing for a US investment to the tune of $10 Million. We were promised stock options, and as soon as the company went public and we could exercise our options, I’d be filthy rich. I said to myself, this is it! This is my reward for faithful service.
However, in October 2000, Nasdaq, the stock market for tech companies in the US crashed. Dotcom turned dotbomb. The US investor pulled out. Plans for stock options and going public were cancelled. And my dreams of becoming wealthy vanished to thin air. The stress of letting go of some of by best staff, and the anxiety of possibly being terminated as well brought me to the point of burnout by the latter part of 2001.
I started praying for a way out. And by God’s grace, God answered my prayer again.
Burned. Out.
I found a new job by 2002 in a financial services company. I served a very young president, 37 years old, still a bachelor, very intelligent, very aggressive, very ambitious. I was his marketing head, and his second in command. I said to myself, here is my second chance to achieve my dreams of wealth. If I worked really hard to make the company successful, I would eventually be rewarded financially. And I was even dreaming that maybe, in seven to ten years time, my boss would move on to a higher position, leave the presidency vacant, and I’m next in line! I started dreaming of becoming CEO one day.
So I poured everything I had to make sure I would reach my dreams. My president asked for my total support and I gave it to him. I was working 12-14 hours per day, six days a week, and I’d even bring home work during Sundays. I’d wake up to go to the office while my wife and kids were still sleeping, I’d get home really late at night and my wife and kids would already be asleep. I had no idea my wife was already contemplating leaving me. I was simply not there for her.
You can guess as well that by this time, I had no more time to serve in our church. I dropped out of seminary as early as 2000. I was no longer doing bible studies. It was convenient that we already had a new pastor in church by this time. I thought I could afford to no longer serve as a leader in our church. There would even be times when I didn’t have time to go to church at all.
It was at this point that I felt God withdrew his protection. And one day, God simply let me to hit a brick wall. I burned out a second time in September 2002. After recovering, I was such a fool that I continued on with my crazy schedule. Six months later, I burned out again. My third burnout in two years. A severe case of burn out. My mind just stopped functioning. My body didn’t want to get out of bed. I was too tired. I was too weak.
I asked my doctor what was wrong with me. He said all my vital signs we ok—blood pressure, blood chemistry, sugar levels, cholesterol—he couldn’t find anything physically wrong with me. His next statement shocked me. He said, “have you ever thought about changing your job and getting a less stressful one?”
Unfortunately, before I could even think about resigning, my boss beat me to the draw. He said I failed to meet his expectations. He said it would best for me to resign. Or else he might be constrained to terminate me. So gone now were my dreams of wealth, and success and of being president and all the perks that would have come with it.
Exile
It felt like God sent me into exile. God sent me away from a once privileged position in intimate relation with him, to a place far away from his presence and blessing. I lost my health. I lost my job. I lost my reputation. Eventually I lost my money.
It was the darkest period of my life.
But as things turned out, it was one of the best things that ever happened to my life. Because there, at the point of exile, it was right there that I started desperately calling out to God again. There at the point of deepest pain and anguish I desired to be restored in intimate relationship with him.
Just like the people of Israelwho were sent into exile in Babylon, they began to yearn for return, to be brought back toJerusalem, to enter God’s temple once more and be restored in loving relationship with Him.
By the waters of Babylon,
there we sat down and wept,
when we remembered Zion.
Psalm 137:1 ESV
Psalm 137 is a song of an exiled people longing to come back home. I could relate to how they felt. I was like the prodigal son who turned away from his father. In that parable he squandered the inheritance given by his father. After losing everything in wild living, he was forced to do the most humiliating job a Jew could do, feeding the pigs, the dirtiest of animals in the minds of the Jews. It was at that point that he remembered his father. And he started on his way back home.
Restoration
I, too started to go back to my Father, right after my third burnout. With nothing much else to do, I learned how to spend hours in deep prayer and meditation. Right there in deep prayer, God embraced me again. I asked for forgiveness, for turning away from His call, and for loving Mammon over Him. I asked for forgiveness, for making ME the lord of my life, instead of Him being truly Lord of my life. And God forgave me. I felt the melting away of guilt, the return of his warm embrace, the deep assurance of His love. I knew right then I was home. And I finally turned my life completely to Jesus. My life was no longer mine. He was no longer just Savior. Jesus is Lord and King.
The great news is that our God is the God of second chances. He is the God who restores. He is the God who makes all things new.
God’s Four-Fold Lesson on Faith
Throughout 2004 God did so many miracles in my life, they were simply overwhelming. And the God of order brought his miracles by quarters. He gave me one major lesson every three months. These lessons carried the clear finger print of God.
Lesson One: God Provides Jobs
During the first quarter, I was jobless. But God kept us afloat as he sent jobs my way. People, friends would just call up and give me consulting jobs to do. I produced videos, I conducted training, helped develop marketing plans. God’s provisions were sufficient to feed my family.
Lesson Two: God Provides in Advance of Needs
During the second quarter, a very good friend of mine, the wife of a pastor and living in the US, and who I was sure did not know what I was going through at that time, just sent me $1,000. I asked her through email, ‘why did you send me this money.” You know what she said in reply? “The Lord told me to give it you.”
And it turned out, during the months of April and May no consulting jobs came my way. I got one contract in June, but I only got paid at the end of the contract, at the end of the month. So God practically provided for our basic needs for three whole months, way in advance.
Lesson Three: God Provides Our Daily Bread… Even in Miraculous Ways
The third quarter of 2004 was a difficult time for me. The pastor of our church was accused by a lady member of acts of lasciviousness. I said to myself, “Here I go again! Take 2!” And guess on whose lap the pastoral responsibilities landed on? Mine of course. It was like a rewind of 2008. But this was a much more difficult lesson because the church could not afford to fully provide for my family. And while I was doing pastoral work, I could not do any consulting work. I had no way for providing for my family’s needs. And yet God was faithful to provide for us.
One of our members who cooked and sold food for a living made it her ministry to bring food to our table. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Every day. For several weeks. It was like God sending the ravens to bring bread for Elijah. It was like manna and quail from heaven during the exodus ofIsraelon their way to the Promised Land.
There was one period when this lady could no longer send us food because of financial difficulties. And we reached a point when we no longer had food on the table. That morning I had to leave for something very important and my wife was left alone at home with our kids to face the prospect of fasting for the day. In tears, she gathered our kids together and they started to pray to God for provision. At one point my son began to sing a worship song, and the three of them started to worship and pray for 30 minutes.
Twenty minutes later, a car pulled up in front of our house. It was one of our church elders. He was looking for me and said he just happened to pass by to bring some food.
It was just amazing! The Lord’s provision came just in time!
The greater miracle is that this person had no inclination to go to our house that day, much less bring food. He was praying in his upstairs bedroom when he felt strong promptings from God to give me a visit. And he was even bargaining with God, saying he’ll just visit me the next day because it was raining outside and he didn’t want his car to be muddied up. But the promptings were so strong he simply had to obey.
On his way out, he passed by their kitchen to exit through the backdoor and into the garage. His wife was right there in the kitchen, and she told him to bring some food that she prepared for us. He did so without even thinking much about it.
If you think that is amazing, wait till you hear the wife’s version of the story. She told us much later on that on that same day, she was praying in the kitchen and God flashed the image of my family in her mind and she started to cry. And on impulse she started to prepare some food. And as her husband passed by the kitchen on his way out, the food was ready for delivery. God’s miraculous provision came just in time!
I could go on and tell you about the many more miracles God did during that period. Friends brought groceries just when we needed them. My kids’ tuition fees paid in full by an anonymous donor. The third quarter of 2004 was simply overflowing with miraculous provisions.
Lesson Four: God is the One Who Restores
By the fourth quarter however, the tide had turned. God began to restore our fortunes. That was the time God allowed me to get a marketing consulting contract with the biggest mall in the country. I was paid quite handsomely for that job.
It was also the period that God led me and a group of friends to start a new church. It is the church that I now pastor, the Followers of Christ Fellowship. It was also the time when I began doing consulting work for FEBC Philippines. After much prayer and after seeking God’s will, God eventually gave clear confirmations for me to begin working with FEBC full time in January 2006.
That was six years ago, and I am still here in the Lord’s service. And I pray that He will give me the grace and strength to continue serving him in the years to come.
Home
I remember the my first day in FEBC. You know how I felt? It was the feeling I usually had after being away from home for a long, long time, being uncomfortable sleeping in strange beds, having to put up with other people and not being comfortable. And then coming home. I felt a sweet, quiet sense of peace, of being complete, of being whole.
The Jews have a word for it. Shalom. I knew that I’ve finally come home.
I’d like to share with you a song that speaks so much about my story. It is a song originally sung by Gary Valenciano about the prodigal son. This is the song Home, and offer this as my way of giving back the glory and praise and thanksgiving to the God who restored me, and gave me a second chance, and made all things new for me—the Father who called me back home.
Bright stars
Fill the evening sky
As I sit and wonder what I’m missing
I feel so all alone
In a crowded room
There’s something that my heart’s been searchingCuz when the shadows come
There’s nowhere to go
And my one last hope
God only knows
In Him I’ll find what I’ve been searching
Now I’m on my way
Back to a place where I can hear His voice
And see His faceAs I’m on my way, I see Him running
Before I take my second step
He sees me coming back
And He comes running to me
And He comes running
Takes me in His arms
Closer to His heart
Saying He’ll be loving me
Cuz He’s never stopped loving meI don’t know why
Why did I ever doubt You
Thought I could live without You with me
All my fears disappear
Right before my eyes
Just to know Your love is with meCuz when the shadows fall
Have nowhere to go
And my one last hope God only knows
In Him I’ll find what I’ve been searching
Right now I’m on my way
Back to a place where I can hear His voice
And see His face
And as I’m on my way, I see Him running
Before I take my second step
He sees me coming back
And He comes running to me
And He comes running
And He takes me in His arms
Closer to His heart
Saying He’ll be loving me
Cuz He’s never stopped loving meSo I stop and say
Forgive me lord
For walking out that door
But before I could say anything more
He says hush
I’m just glad to know that you’ve come homeBack in my arms
Where you’re safe from harm
I’m just glad to know you’re home
Where I made you to be
Right here with meLord I’m glad to be home
Shadows come, have nowhere to go
My one last hope, God only knows
In Him I’ll find what I’ve been searching
Right now I’m on my way
Back to a place where I can hear His voice
And see His face
As I’m on my way
He sees me coming
Home
Blessed by the Story?
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Reblogged this on trizkaren and commented:
very inspiring.